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Guilfest 2003

Guildford, 4th-6th July 2003

Set in the heart of leafy Surrey, billing itself as a 'family festival' and sponsored by that bastion of yoof culture, Radio 2, Guilfest does not at first glance seem the coolest place to be this summer. But when I heard that my all time favourite artist (I speak of course of the mighty Alice Cooper) would be headlining, I had to be there. Promising an eclectic line up ranging from new saviours of rock The Darkness to perennial party favourites Madness to chart-topping songstresses Atomic Kitten, this is a festival designed to appeal to a wide range of people, and a wide range of people did indeed turn up. A happy mix of aging rockers, fez-wearing Madness fans, little kids in fairy dresses, teenage Avril Lavigne lookalikes and the usual festival crusties all congregated on the sunny slopes of Stoke Park for a weekend of rock, pop and indie that promised to be fun and didn't renege on its promise. With three stages (including a main stage that, organisers please note, really needed screens!), comedy and dance tents, a chill out zone, convenient campsite, relatively decent toilets, all manner of food options from pasties to satay and enough stalls selling tie-dyed tat to keep you in stupid hats and fluorescent accessories for a lifetime, things were looking good. The only downside was the price of the pints and the rather long hike to the nearest supermarket, but let's not grumble, shall we?

Friday: For those about to rock

Okay so enough of the ambience, what about the acts? Kicking off proceedings on Friday was Arthur Brown. As in The Crazy World Of. Yes, I know, I thought he was dead too, but I was wrong, he's very much alive and definitely Still Crazy. Clad in a bacofoil tie and splendid gold harem-pants, he cavorted about the stage like a loon, sounding not unlike Ian Gillen or even Bruce Dickinson as he warbled his way through a spritely set that included an almost operatic rendition of 'I Put A Spell On You' and closed with the song we were all waiting for, 'Fire'. His huge grin made it clear he was happy to be there, and he was the only act to maintain a continuous presence at the festival afterwards, queuing up for his burger and chips like everybody else and allowing exuberant drunks like my other half to reel up to him and shake his hand. Hooray for Arthur Brown!

Next up? Give me a D… Give me an Arkness… who's your favourite new rock band? The Darkness, of course. And it's as if we've stepped back in time to the good ol' bad ol' days of '80s hair metal. In fact, if AC/DC have hired Seb Bach on vocals and CC Deville and Luke Morley on guitar, this is what they would have sounded like. And if you didn't get those references then chances are you won't get the great and glorious joke that are The Darkness. Their songs may be, er, not exactly subtle ('Get your hands off my woman (motherfucker)' being a prime example) but they rock. And those of us who like to rock salute The Darkness.

Following on, the Wildhearts serve up a solid portion of their usual rock noise - chunky riff-heavy beats combined with cheesy party lyrics. The first few rows are jumping but the songs are too long and heavy for the majority of the crowd… next please!

Arthur Lee is another act resurrected from the dead (okay, a six year stint in prison) for our entertainment tonight. Now, I know he's a seminal figure in the world of psychedelic garage rock and all the rest of it, but somehow, today, I'm just not getting it. Love's summery Californian folk rock needs a hot sunny afternoon for me to soak it up appreciatively, not a rapidly cooling, cloudy evening, so instead we stroll over to the Uncut stage for a spot of Weegie shoe-gazing courtesy of the Cosmic Rough Riders and their floppy fringes.

Okay, 'nuff of that, back to the main stage to find a prime spot from which to witness the Dark Lord himself. Stripped of his usual theatrics, Alice Cooper treated us to a raw, back to basics set of early material that to a diehard fan like myself was pure magic. Lesser known tracks like 'Public Animal #9', 'Generation Landslide' and 'Serious' were interspersed with hits including 'Billion Dollar Babies', 'No More Mr Nice Guy' and 'Eighteen' in a set that rarely strayed beyond the 1970s. The highlight of the set was a goosebump-inducing rendition of 'Welcome to my Nightmare', complete with boa constrictor, followed by the high-spirited caper that is 'Cold Ethyl', Alice's sensitive ode to necrophilia... The only disappointment came when the late start and strict curfew cut the set to a paltry hour and ten minutes (which included a bloody drum solo as well, but I guess poor Alice is getting on now and needs a bit of time to catch his breath!). Thus we were deprived of eight encore tracks, which no doubt would have included sorely missed live favourites 'Poison', 'Elected', 'Feed My Frankenstein' and 2000's 'Brutal Planet'. Still, a fascinating set well worth the journey from Edinburgh to Guilford - just wish it had been longer (the set, not the journey).

And so to bed. Or tent. The toilets are starting to hum a bit but we still have loo roll.

Saturday: For those about to take one step beyond

The Vessels kickstarted Saturday with their take-it-or-leave it brand of jingly-jangly Beatles-esque guitars and 'hey hey' lyrics. The sun is shining and I choose to take it, but it could have gone either way. Ex-La's and Cast vocalist John Powers is up next, again playing a solid but rather unmemorable set that gets heads nodding and feet tapping but not much else besides. Next up, the Undertones strike some cool poses and play everything we want to hear (namely 'Jimmy Jimmy', 'My Perfect Cousin' and the wonderful 'Teenage Kicks'). It's great to jump around in the sun to such perfectly honed punk pop classics, but with frontman Feargal Sharkey replaced by tall, skinny, jacket-and-jeans soundalike Paul McLoon (whose dancing style takes cue from his name) we could be watching a top class tribute band for all we really know.

We spend the next hour or so wandering between the comedy tent, where American comic Jovanka Steele is dying a slow and grisly death, the Uncut Stage, where new Poptones signing Thomson are swinging through a Beach Boys style set of upbeat Americana, and the main stage, where Aqualung's unique brand of introverted keyboard soundscapes are somewhat under-whelming the audience and making me wish I'd brought my fold-up chair... But hey, Matt Hales does play the VW Beetle song, 'Strange and Beautiful', which is indeed beautiful but does seem rather strange when played to a field full of Madness fans, because yes, as the hour of the Nutty Boys approaching, the site is fast filling up with fezes…

Skin is a seriously cool lady, but just cuz she now has hair, don't think she's any less intense and full-on than she was when she fronted Skunk Anansie back in the 90s. Working the stage like the pro she is and really coming up close and personal with the audience, she takes this opportunity to air tracks from new album Fleshwound to a crowd that are up for it but perhaps a little bemused. We've also discovered a comedian who's funny, Guilfest regular Keith Donnelly, so we chuckle at his slightly daft but infectiously entertaining show for a while before returning to the main stage to check out the Stranglers. The original Men In Black make the stage their own, swaggering about in their trademark suits, the increasingly excited crowd in the palm of their hands. Their heady mix of swirling Hammond organs, stomach throbbing bass and grinding guitars is seriously cool and makes you realise just how under-rated these godfathers of punk are: new lead singer schnew lead singer, you still feel as if you're in the presence of a legend. 'Peaches' has a brooding sense of menace about it, 'Golden Brown' is mellow as the evening sun and the triumphant final rendition of 'Whatever Happened to the Heroes' would have raised the roof if we hadn't been outside.

And so to Madness. Now, I defy anyone to see Madness live and not have a good time. A British institution up there with fish and chips and the Queen (Gawd bless her) they are one of the best loved bands in the country (the only current band to have their own West End musical at any rate!) and deservedly so. Clad in snazzy black and white suits, the nutty boys launched into a rousing greatest hits collection that had the entire field, from the smallest child to the oldest, most grizzled greebo, hopping from foot to foot, elbows akimbo, beaming smiles intact. Opening with 'One Step Beyond', the set included everything you wanted to hear - 'Our House', 'Driving In My Car', 'Wings of a Dove', you name a Madness song, they played it. The highlight of the night for me was definitely that classroom favourite 'Baggy Trousers', followed by a heart-warming ensemble rendition of 'It Must Be Love', as the entire audience linked hands and swayed from side to side, in love with each other and with Madness. On the way back to the campsite we catch the tail end of Abdoujaparov, the new band from ex-Carter USM guitarist Fruitbat, who are headlining the Unsung Heroes stage. They sound promising, but the Guilford curfew prevents us from finding out more. Ah well, time to cue for the loos again. They're starting to smell quite bad now…

Sunday: For those about to f**k off home

After that, Sunday could hardly fail to be an anticlimax, and the fact that Atomic Kitten, Daniel Bedingfield and Eurovision flopstars Jemini featured in the line up didn't fill me with anticipation. However, openers the Jeevas came as an unexpected and very pleasant surprise. Fronted by ex-Kula Shaker star Crispin Mills, their infectious mix of Hendrix style guitars and funky basslines were the perfect accompaniment to the summer sun and yet another pint of cider. New single 'Virginia' and the cover of Deep Purple's 'Hush' made famous by the 'Shaker go down well with the admittedly sparse crowd, the average age of which has dropped by about thirty years since yesterday. With less Eastern mysticism and more rock'n'roll, the Jeevas offer a more upbeat antidote to Kula Shaker - whether they'll achieve similar heights of success remains to be seen, but on the evidence show today they deserve it.

As for Jemini, well, all I can say is if they can't be bothered to sing live then I can't be bothered to watch them. Although it was worth sticking around 'til the end of the first song to see the forest of cards bearing the legend '0' waved aloft…

Aussie opportunists The Androids proved, as I'd suspected, that novelty hit single 'Do It With Madonna' is not really representative of what they do. Punky riffs and punchy basslines together with the professional onstage banter of their frontman made for a tight but not overly interesting set. To be honest, I can't see them making any great waves in the future: definite one hit wonders I would say. Famous last words…

I'm afraid we didn't give poor Tom McCrae much of a chance. 'It'll probably start raining now I'm on stage,' he announces mournfully, launching into a miserable sounding David Gray-esque song, accompanied by a cello. No doubt I will kick myself for missing his set when he becomes as big as the said Mr Gray, but I wasn't ready to have my happy summer mood pissed on so I departed for the comedy tent, to be entertained by an American comic with a flamingo-shaped guitar whose name I didn't catch. If I find out who he was I'll let you know because he was very, very funny.

And so back to the campsite to pack up and head home. Sorry Daniel, sorry Kittens, we were off back to Edinburgh. In the words of Alice, 'we've still got a long way to go'. But in the words of Madness, 'oh what fun we had….'

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