The Cult Class Collection

Suck (2009)

Starring: Alice Cooper, Iggy Pop, Henry Rollins, Malcolm McDowell, Moby, Rob Stefaniak, Jessica Paré, Dimitri Coats, Calico Cooper

Directed by: Rob Stefaniak

Rating: 1 2 and a half

'Talent is a vampire, talent is whore,
Talent is American, always wanting more.'

Bongwater, Talent
Alice and Calico Cooper in Suck

It would be so easy to be mean about this movie. For starters, there's the title, and the obvious quip about how it 'does exactly what it says on the tin'. Then there's the daft plot, laughable effects and wooden acting from the central characters.

But hey, just for once, and just because it's Alice, let's play nice.

The concept of the film is as old as the hills: be careful what you wish for, as you might just get it. Or, to put it in more Faustian terms, sell your soul to Satan and there'll be hell to pay.

The Faust figures here are lame indie rock band The Winners. The name is ironic, until bass player Jen (Jessica Paré) succumbs to a vampire (Burning Bride's Dimitri Coats, looking suspiciously like Carrot Top with fangs). Suddenly, the band are on fire, and while no support act will ever be safe again, The Winners begin to receive the critical kudos they crave. But is the price of fame too high?

Who cares? Like any self-disrespecting rockers, the band are hooked. Because vampirism here is not so much a blood-borne infection (see Near Dark, Vamp, The Lost Boys, et al), it's an addiction.

And who knows better the perils and pitfalls of fame and addiction than the entertaining array of old school rockstars who for reasons best known to themselves have taken on cameo roles in the movie. First and foremost we have my hero Alice Cooper, playing a wise barman/Archangel vampire/er, Alice Cooper who guides the band down the road of bad intentions. Then we have Iggy Pop as a paranoid recording recluse, Henry Rollins, brilliant as a shock rock DJ, and, perhaps best of all, Moby (Moby!) as a Rob Halford-style metaller. Oh, and poor old Malcom Macdowell as Van Helsing. Of course.

Jen gets inventive with a straw...

Like (gah!) The Crow 2, the film could be dismissed as an over-extended cheap rock video with Iggy in it. But actually, it's, well, not that bad. It rollicks along at a fair pace, the cameos are fab and there are some nice musical references thrown in (how many recreated album covers can you spot?). Oh, and the drinking straw blood suck is a new one on me.

So there you go. Not bad. And that's about as nice as I'm prepared to be, suckers.

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