It (2017)

Starring: Bill Skarsgård, Wyatt Oleff, Jeremy Ray Taylor, Jaeden Lieberher, Finn Wolfhard, Sophia Lillis, Jack Dylan Grazer, and Chosen Jacobs in It

Directed by: Andy Muschietti

Rating: 1 2 and a half

Things I remember about It the first time round:

  1. It was very long.
  2. It didn't have enough Tim Curry in It.
  3. Boy, It was long!
  4. There was a giant spider in It.
  5. Is It still going on?

Things to note about the remake of It:

  1. It is very long.
  2. It doesn't have Tim Curry in It at all (although to be fair, Bill Skarsgård pulls out every conceivable stop to fill his giant clown shoes).
  3. Boy, It is long!
  4. There's no giant spider in It.

There is, however, other scary cliché from Mr McScary's Big Book of Scary Scariness, from hideous living portraits to haunted houses and headless corpses, creepy kids to lepers to hair in the plughole (yuk!) to a full on Carrie walls-drip-blood bathroom redecoration scene. And that's before you throw in all the other non-supernatural small town nastiness, from bullying and child abuse to mullets and New Kids on the Block…

Bill Skarsgård as Pennywise the Clown in It

Even if you’ve not seen the original film or read the book, you can probably guess the plot: sleepy, old-fashioned town in Maine is terrorised by dark, secret evil; loser kids investigate. And likewise no clichéd stone is left unturned in the characterisation of said kids: the motormouth, the asthmatic mummy's boy, the geeky Jew, the fat lad, the token black kid, the plucky but sexy tomboy: all are present and correct and waiting to race from the set of The Goonies, yelping and screaming and talking over each other, and dump their bikes on the set of It.

Is it fair to pour this scorn on a Stephen King movie? He did, after all, invent most of these stereotypes in the first place (okay, him and Steven Spielberg). But my point is, what's the point of remaking a movie if you're not going to bring anything new to the party, bar a few nice cracks at the late '80s (come on, we were all thinking Molly Ringwald) and better CGI (yawn)?

Wyatt Oleff, Jeremy Ray Taylor, Jaeden Lieberher, Finn Wolfhard, Sophia Lillis, Jack Dylan Grazer, and Chosen Jacobs in It

If you're twelve years old and never seen a horror movie, this version of It could be for you. Hell, It may even scare you. A bit. But for a hoary old veteran like me, it was a Sunday afternoon I'm never getting back and I'm not wasting any more time reviewing it. Seriously, what are you even doing reading this? Go play outside with your friends like a normal kid!

5. Is It still going on?

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